Flawless Valentine’s Day Schedule For Any Single Woman
With V-Day on the way, oops, I mean “Single Awareness Day” quickly approaching, the day can seem like a utter reminder of being “forever alone” for some women. Although it’s not the end of the world, to some girls it might as well be.
No worries we’ve come across the perfect schedule to get any anti-valentines thoughts out your system through this commercial love sick day. So ladies, there’s no need to stay in the comfort of your beds as the rest of the world is on a super expensive date with their significant other.
Sex Editor at Cosmopolitan, Anna Breslaw, shared her flawless schedule to get any single girl through February 14.
Wake up in your big, comfortable bed with lots of leg room. Do not smell another person’s morning farts, because you are gloriously Alone, which some people pity you for but actually just means that you prefer a good night’s uninterrupted sleep to halfhearted sex with Frasier on mute behind you. Which you are kind of watching.
Take an actual shower in your bathroom. Use the 79 various kinds of conditioners on your hair during your personal, elaborate ritual that only the Alones are truly allowed to perform without judgement. (I sing Ray Charles while using these idiotic exfoliation gloves that Liv Tyler recommended on the Internet once.)
Get to work on time.
10:00 A.M. – Noon
Remain blissfully uninterrupted by a Candygram or an ostentatious bouquet of flowers from the various messengers who stop by the office throughout the day. (And probably at least one of your co-workers’ boyfriends, but undoubtedly that loserish one with a neck beard who is “between jobs right now.”)
Noon – 1 P.M.
Get a delicious, probably unhealthy lunch at the least romantic restaurant possible, like Chipotle or Popeye’s.
1 P.M.– A little before 5 P.M.
Slip out as your co-workers are busy preparing for their date nights.
Go to the nearest bakery and get a baggie of assorted macarons. Or, actually, if your favorite is the salted caramel kind, get all salted caramels, because fuck it and YOLO and you are your own boss.
6:00 P.M. – 9:00 P.M.
Sit in the back row of a screening of Wolf of Wall Street. Eat the maracons. Enjoy the drugs, meaningless sex, vast, empty greed, and Jonah Hill’s fake teeth.
Go home to your clean, empty apartment, where there might be an animal waiting for you, or just your seven million pairs of amazing shoes that you display on every surface of the floor, because 100 percent of the floor and closet are yours and yours alone.
Eat a late dinner because you can eat as late as you want.
Flop around to a Jillian Michaels DVD for 20 minutes, or don’t! Prepare for bed using your 700 winter face creams and tonics made of angel spit without worrying that someone hovering behind you trying to brush his teeth thinks you are vain.
Watch whatever kind of porn you want without having to be very quiet because someone is sleeping. Have an orgasm in two seconds, because it’s not complicated or stressful and you’re not worrying about another person’s sexual gratification or a condom that makes you feel like you have a tire in your vagina.
Whenever you want
Sleep until it’s February 15th.